Reflection on being a Frazzled Mother
Today I was a frazzled mother.
Before motherhood, I used to really judge certain mothers when I saw them out with their children.
I’d think to myself, gosh, that lady is frazzled. She should just calm down and change out of those sweat pants!
You know what I’m talking about, right?
The mom whose hair is falling out of a messy ponytail has one squirmy baby clutched to her hip.
Another one, slightly older, being pulled by the sleeve of his coat, both with runny noses and grubby faces.
Add a bit of crazy to the eyes and a dirty diaper bag is thrown over my shoulder, and that was me.
Lugging both of the kids with me into mass this morning.
With my husband traveling I was doing mass by myself with the kids.
I knew it was going to be bad, but it was so much worse.
At one point my son was literally running laps around the cry room while my daughter did everything she could to wriggle out of my arms so she could crawl under the pews.
From what I could catch the homily was about heaven…which at that moment felt very, very far away.
Does this happen to you?
In those really bad parenting moments, I somehow walk away with a one really clear snapshot of a memory.
Here’s that snapshot from this morning.
My daughter has thrown herself backward. And is doing that wet-noodle/back-bend thing that infants do that makes it impossible to hold them.
She’s screaming.
I’m standing in the back of the cry room and in about a second flat my son has left my side and is at the front, facing everyone.
He has his tongue hanging out of his mouth, as if in deep concentration, as he works on pulling his clothes off.
If I could have, I would have just checked out mentally at that point.
But, instead, I hurried to the front, baby still flopping and screaming, grabbed my son by his now empty sleeve, and drug him to the back.
The whole way to the back he is swinging at me with his naked arm.
When we reached the back I told my son he was being a bad boy, which set off a major fit and round of self-loathing.
Now I had two crying kids, and frankly, I wasn’t far from tears myself.
I spent the rest of mass crouched on the floor, allowing my daughter to crawl in and out of a candle stand, and my son to play with the button that automatically opened the door.
Sigh.
Along with being a frazzled mother, I’m also a mother that (in vain) likes to find explanations.
Why were my kids the only kids going nuts in there?
What’s wrong with them–or what’s wrong with me?
How could I have avoided this?
Are my kids’ monsters?
Years ago, before children, when I thought it was okay to judge those frazzled moms I saw, I would have easily come up with answers to these questions.
Not enough discipline.
She’s too strict.
Yes, those kids are monsters.
But now, I just don’t know.
All I know is that I’m tired.
And, that as I tucked my son into bed tonight he asked me if he was a good boy.
“Yes,” I said, “you are a good boy”.
He smiled and gave me a hug.
Then, as I was turning out the light he yelled from his bed, “Good boys get candy!” and snuggled around in an excited little way.
He really is a sweet boy, and she is a beautiful, wonderful baby–and all of our little mishaps, and adventures, and moments of total chaos are worth it, in the end. I just need to remember that!
For more thoughts on motherhood, be sure to check out these posts on being a Lucky Mom, a Messy Mom, and a Supported Mom
You should be proud of yourself for taking the children to mass by yourself.
I am a 42 year old mother of a 7 year old and a 3 year old. A 42 year old mom of young children is an older mom, I think. There are aspects of being older that are transforming my journey from a formerly disciplined march into a gentler stroll. I think that it would be okay to wait until the children are a little older before you take them to more religious services. There’s no right path, or wrong path -but I think we owe it to ourselves to guard against unnecessary stress, and avoid overly challenging situations when we possibly can.
Caring for our young children can be the most spiritual of practices … and I feel that my daily devotion is to do my very best to pursue daily activities that are truly meant for me. It can be so tempting to be dragged over rocky paths in a frightened chase to achieve mastery over situations that are truly unmanageable for mothers, with young children in tow. I have recently been loosening my grip on my desire to keep up with what I may imagine other people may be doing … and walk to the beat of my very own drummer.
I enjoyed reading your post, and have experience times like that for sure. Kids in restaurants. Kids on vacation. Kids on a plane. Kids at the movies. Kids at the supermarket too close to nap time. Kids who have literally stayed too long at the fair. Or at the mini-golf. I think you get the picture!
I am strengthening my No muscle. No to my husband that wants to take them on overly taxing adventures. No to my full time employed best friend who want me to host bbqs at an hour when my kids would normally be sleeping. No to my son who wants me to see a movie at his sister’s nap time. No to overly ambitions dinner recipes that require that last minute stop at the market.
Yes to keeping things simple. Yes to avoiding overexertion so that I have the energy to spend an hour each evening doing something that I enjoy. Like sewing a table cloth. Or painting a watercolor. Or stitching my needlepoint. Or reading a touching blog like yours – and reaching out to connect with another Mom that is working so hard raising children, too.
We deserve to be at peace, and to love ourselves – dare I say it? First. Love ourselves first. When I truly make my decisions based on taking care of my self- physically and spiritually- that those are the decisions that lead me and my family down a good and healthy path, that day.
It’s a struggle to quiet the inner voice that says , my kids should. Should be potty trained (when my daughter’s resisting). Should be swimming (when my son has special needs) Should be playing competitive sports (when my son hates them, and shows no aptitude for them). Should be on time (which I struggled with when I didn’t have kids!). Should host play dates (which drain me).
When I ignore that voice, I listen for the voice that says … Let it be. All is well. Take your time. Enjoy your life. Do what you can … and Be Proud.
This comment is such a blessing! Thank you for this!
You write with such wisdom. It is okay to love ourselves first. I need to bring that more to the forefront of my mind and get over all of these little voices whispering what my child SHOULD be doing.
Yes! Yes! All is well–it is! be proud.
Just thank you for writing this!
[…] also reflected on being a Messy Mom, a Frazzled Mom and a Supported […]
I love this! Thank you so much for sharing it at Love in Motherhood. I nodding right along with you and smiled at the parts that you will look back on and smile. You are doing a great thing and being a great witness to your children! I hope the days have been bright since then 🙂 I know with my girls, every day is totally different, filled with ups and downs and smiles and tears. Hang in there, sister. ~Jenna // A Mama Collective
Nancy – I actually stopped my car in the middle of a highway when my kids wouldn’t stop bickering (yes, I looked first and there weren’t any other cars anywhere in my rearview mirror). I thought, I can’t keep saying I’ll stop the car right now, if I wouldn’t actually follow through. It did work….for a while at least. I also try and give struggling mom’s at the store a look of understanding. Yep, been there, done that.
That’s so funny Cheryl! thanks for sharing this. My parents threatened to stop the car many times, but I don’t think they every actually did! And you’re right, even a little look of understanding can make it a lot better, because we really all have been there!
Nancy, I’m always fascinated that everything “wrong” gets blamed on the mom, yet when the TV camera is on someone they always mouth, “HI, mom!” Days like the one you had is what makes us a mom. I’ll have to tell you some of my stories some day over chocolate. 🙂 Hang in there, Mom!
That is so true, Susan. I have reflected on this a lot, actually, and I think we women are just so hard on ourselves. I want to be super mom all the time, and that’s just not possible–and I am really hard on myself when I don’t live up to my own expectations…
Big hugs to you and a high five for being a good mom. I had a very similar experience with my son at the store yesterday. He had a total meltdown after I said he was “behaving naughty” which led to the attention of every woman in that store – – their judgment, their reasons for why he was acting that way (“I think he’s too warm in that coat.” “Someone is tired.” “Oh, it’s so hard for them to be dragged through the mall all day.” Gah! This was 10 minutes into our first stop!!!), and their rolled eyes. Getting to an actual counter to buy the one shirt I needed to pick up felt like an all day battle.
And when I tucked him into bed, he asked “Do you still love me even if I was naughty?” Of course! Our children really are wonderful. There are just moments when seeing that is a challenge. 😉
Hope you have a fantastic week!
Oh, that question he asked broke my heart! The kids really are so sensitive, aren’t they! And, shame on those other women! What’s wrong with us women, it’s like as soon as it isn’t our kids we forget what it’s like and start judging! You have a fantastic week too-and hopefully a few moments of calm!
Hugs to you on this one. We end up in church without my husband often, too. It can be such a challenge.
Even though we may not get a lot out of the service we are setting the path in hopes that they will someday followv
and that they will get something out of it.
I think most times we invision ourselves as so much worse then others do. The other moms/dads in the cry room
likely were feeling similar. It’s great to hear such honesty from another mama:-)
Oh, Krista, I love hearing from you! It is so fun that we grew up together, and now have some much in common as mothers. I also have to remind myself that this is a season. My kids won’t always have to be in the cry room, and one day I’ll be able to pay attention in mass again!
Since my husband passed away a year and a half ago I find mysel in more of these moments than I care to admit and have even ended up in actual tears on the floor with my kids. On these days I find that some time snuggling on the couch watching a short movie or reading some stories helps get us all back on an even keel. On days where we all go to bed exhausted I sneak in and give them extra kisses while they sleep and remind myself how truly lucky I am even with all the chaos and craziness to have these little people in my life.
Chris–thank you for sharing this. My heart breaks for you, and I can’t imagine how hard it must be to be without your husband, especially with little children. I promise to say a prayer for your family tonight, and I admire your calm and perspective. Thanks for being here!
I have definitely been there! As sad as it is it somehow makes it better to hear other mom’s having these same struggles. I’m glad that at the end of the day you got your reminder that it’s worth it. Those days are the hardest to remember to see the little things. Love that you shared this story!
I’m so glad you can relate (well, not glad that you’ve been there too, but you know!). I just have to keep reminding myself that this is a season of my life–I won’t always be crawling around the floor of the cry room, nearly in tears myself. Just gott keep telling myself that!
REALLY love this!!
Something tells me you’ve been there… 🙂
I remember those kind of days. Enjoy them. They don’t last very long. You will literally turn around in a couple of weeks and they will be 26 and 28 like mine. Don’t be so hard on yourself either. When you have one of those days, and you put them to bed, treat yourself to some hot chocolate or a bubble bath. These days don’t last. XO
great advice. I think I could use some chocolate and a bubble bath right now!