I am a lucky mom.
I’m tired, I’m frustrated and very often I’m alone–all as a mother. But, above all else, I am lucky.
After a long day of going, going, going, cooking, cleaning, disciplining, folding, shopping, wiping, and frantically crafting and blogging in the moments in between, I sit down to nurse my infant. When I walk into her room she’s standing in her crib, screaming. She should be sleeping, I already nursed her and rocked her, and yet here she is, awake. I pick her up and she arches her back as I pull her to me.
Through the wall I hear my son yelling, “mom, mommy, mom!” Within a few minutes I know that he too will be out of bed, hanging on my arm as I try to nurse the baby, sobbing himself. I closed my eyes and feel the burn of tears caught beneath the lids.
I’m exhausted. My husband is off traveling again for work, potty training is going poorly with my toddler and I now I am wrestling a chubby infant. At this moment the news I’d joyfully received just hours before, that I’m pregnant with number 3, suddenly feels crushingly overwhelming. Another one? How?
But, after another minute the baby relaxes. She begins to nurse and as she does she looks up at me with these dark, dark eyes, somehow shining in the black room. She smiles and pulls off. I move her to my shoulder and then, as I rock, I watch her eyes fade. Her blinks get longer, and her thick cheek flattens against my collar. Then her breathing changes, and she’s asleep. Only then do I realize that my son never came in and is quiet. He must be asleep too.
I keep rocking. Her cheeks are so soft beneath my lips as I kiss her. I want to breath her in, and somehow find a way to hold her closer. My frustration over her inability to fall asleep on her own, over not being able to get the kids to bed quickly so that I could stitch or blog or clean, seems silly now. It seems absurd.
I should put her down in her crib, I certainly could. There is an infinite list of things I could be accomplishing right now. I certainly should get to work. And yet, if just a for a minute, I sit and soak in the revelation of just how lucky I am. I thank God for the new life in my womb. I want to always be in this chair, with a baby sleeping on my shoulder.
That would be very lucky.
Thank you for allowing me to share this. I’m going to try to share more about being a mother on this little blog. Tutorials are fine, but I started this blog with the intention of sharing about my vocation as a mother, and I seem to have lost track of that. If you are also a mother, I hope that you have a strong reminder about how lucky you are too, and soon.