On Letting Things Go

There was a time, a year or so ago when I pushed myself to blog every single day.  

Every day.  

Granted most of my posts were little craft projects and about 100% of my traffic was coming from the very impersonal Pinterest, but still, I was blogging every day.  

Like it was my job, a very low-paying, glamour-less job.  

Even if a project wasn’t that great I photographed it, edited my photos, blogged it, and promoted it.

And then things started taking off for me, in a very modest sort of way.  

People started buying my patterns, my traffic grew and every once in a while I was getting contacted by brands.  

It was a far cry from achieving fame and glory, but for this little stay-at-home mom who worked an hour or two a day while the kids were sleeping, it felt (and still feels) like a miracle.  

I felt like I had finally got this online business ball rolling and now that it was time to really make things happen.

My ideas got bigger.

I enlisted the help of other bloggers to create remarkable products.  

Taught myself basically the entire Adobe suite.  

I learned to code and marketing and started building an email list.  

And with each step, I got a little bit more excited.

And I am so excited!

I want to do it all–a blog, make patterns, write books, graphic design, learn web design, conquer the world…

There is only one problem.  

I already have a full-time job.  

I’m a mom.

This morning I got up at 5:30 am to do things I had intended to do last night.  

You see, last night I accidentally crawled into bed at 8:30 and never crawled back out.  

So, I was up and working bright and early…when all three kids decided to wake up, sick and needy.

I wish I could say I responded with charity.  But I didn’t.

And so my work fell to the side as I wiped noses and got kids in hot baths and snuggled my sweet sick kids.

I’m not complaining.  Not at all.  

I love my life, whether the kids are healthy or sick, whether I have morning sickness or not.  

I spent an hour this morning rocking the baby who was howling, beyond exhausted, and running a low fever.  

Eventually, he settled down and fell asleep on my shoulder.  

The other two were building a fort in the next room and I could hear them laughing and playing.  

It was a beautiful little moment, far more beautiful than anything I have ever created or any goal I have ever achieved.

I would give up all of this very minimal online success for my kids in a minute if I needed to, I just pray I never need to.  

My biggest struggle lately is just that there isn’t enough time.  

Morning sickness has brought me to my knees (quite literally) these past weeks.  

When the kids sleep, I sleep, and thus those precious hours when I can type or create or draw in Illustrator without little ones banging my keyboard or screaming in my ear are gone.

And, it’s hard not to be frustrated.

It’s hard that the things I want to do, the things I know will grow my business, have to fall to the side.

Hard to accept that some of the ideas I have will never come into being, at least not now.  

It’s hard to let go of my timeline and my ambitions and just to be a mom right now.

Not that being a mom isn’t enough.

It is enough.  

It is the most wonderful blessing.  

And yet, when I can see the entrepreneurial path ahead of me it is hard for me (so very hard for me) not to strap on my boots and get hiking.

So, I write all of this in an effort to let myself off the hook.  

I will be posting less in the coming months.  

Instead, I will be taking my very limited time and working on bigger projects.  

A few dear friends and I have an Advent Scripture Study for Moms coming out in a few weeks and I have a (huge) idea for an eBook I hope to start work on soon, even if it takes me an entire year to write it.

And over that year who knows what twists and turns await us.  

God willing another baby will complicate things in May.  

The kids will get older and I’ll be running to more activities and asked to help with more programs and school projects.  

And I will have even less time, but likely just as much joy.

I will be asked to let go of my plans and do less.  

And that will be hard for me.

But being a mom and being loved by these little ones.  That’s not hard at all.