Why I Refuse to Teach My Children They Were ‘Wanted’
Little Bernadette has a new favorite saying, one we have started to hear at every mealtime, bedtime, during every car ride, potty break, a moment of organized play, and especially when I’m trying to get her dressed.
“I can’t want that.”
She huffs, looks at what I am offering, shakes her little head, and says, “No mom. I can’t want that.”
In that little phrase is so much.
The petulance of a child, the stubbornness of a 2-year-old, and the belief that one’s wants are absolute.
I have every faith that Bernadette will outgrow this phase, and with any luck a host of other behaviors, but every time I hear this combination of words slip between her lips I’m shaken a little, reminded of this world I’ve brought my children into–a world of the wanted and the unwanted.
These ‘unwanted’ have certainly been in the news and in our Facebook newsfeeds lately.
The unwanted being those lost through abortion, those reduced to the emotionless category of “unwanted pregnancies”.
I honestly can’t stomach watching the Planned Parenthood videos released in recent days–even reading the descriptions and discussions is physically repulsive for me.
As it should be.
But, even without the horror of late-term, live birth, reductive abortions, the ugliness of ‘unwanted’ lives remains.
While scrolling Facebook I happened upon this article where a Minnesota mother of 4 callously explains why she decided to abort a recent pregnancy, even after suffering from infertility to the point of using IVF to conceive a few of her other children.
In the most disturbing passage, she likens babies to Snicker’s bars, explaining that sometimes you’ve just had enough.
This article drew so starkly the line that runs right down the center of our world–and in this case a family.
The line between ‘Wanted’ and ‘Unwanted’–children that parents wanted and children that parents did not want.
It is easy to judge this woman, who is clearly an extreme example, but this is the world I have brought my children into–these are the lies they will face.
They will be asked to believe that they need only figure out what they want.
In their own wanting or not wanting they will have what they are led to believe is ‘their truth’…whatever that is.
In fact, they will be asked to believe that there is no truth, only want.
The whole pro-life/pro-choice debate can be boiled down to one simple issue–the issue of wanting.
Those on the Pro-Choice side argue that a lump of cells is only a life…if it is wanted.
Through this, wanting has become the highest service we can do someone.
Conversely, if someone or something is not wanted it has no value and really has no right to exist at all.
When something is unwanted it is garbage, ripped from a mother’s womb, covered up, rationalized away, and forgotten.
But, who cares? After all, we didn’t want it anyway.
The issue of wanting or not wanting does not end with the pregnancy.
It haunts us in every corner of our lives until we are so confused that we begin to see Loving and Wanting as the same thing.
This lie, that wanting is loving, is so seductive and tempting, even for us staunching against things like abortion.
Why shouldn’t I always be pleased?
And why should I have to deal with anything that I don’t want?
Why would I ever be asked to love something that I don’t want?
Loving and wanting are objectively quite different.
Love is other-focused and refers to willing what is best for another.
Want, on the other hand, is directed inward.
Wanting is the desire to possess or do something.
Do you see the difference there?
Sure, I can want all sorts of things that I love.
I love my husband (want what is best for him) and very often I also want (desire) him.
On the other hand, I can’t love a Snicker’s Bar (what exactly would be best for a Snicker’s bar?) but I certainly can want (desire) one.
They are totally different concepts!
Replacing Love with Want gives us the ability to put ourselves first, dismiss other’s needs and even reduce others (inside the womb and out) to non-humans all because we interfere with our wants.
And for this reason, I refuse to teach my children that they were ‘wanted’.
Don’t get me wrong.
I love my kids, am fiercely protective of them, and miss them almost immediately once we are separated (which is almost never).
I always wanted (had the desire) to be a mother, I love being one and I cherish these years with little children, even though they are difficult and exhausting at times.
But, I want my children to know that they are LOVED, not just WANTED.
I would even go as far as to say that although I always, without exception, love my children, I don’t always want them.
The carefree life of a single person looks pretty dang appealing sometimes.
But because I truly love my kids and will do the best for them I stay put and continue to answer questions and build Lego towers and steam broccoli and clean the floor.
Every day.
Without fail.
Right now the kids are small but there will come a day when they will leave my house and have to navigate this world divided into ‘wanted’ and ‘unwanted’.
There are consequences for all of the lives lost to abortion.
There has to be.
We choose not to terminate our pregnancies, we welcomed our babies, but every day babies are destroyed through abortion.
Every day.
Every hour.
We are told that those lives were ‘unwanted’, and teaching my children that they belong to the class of ‘wanted’ simply perpetuates this evil.
And I refuse to participate in a culture that takes only what it wants, happy to discard the rest.
Life is a beautiful thing.
Like all of you, I’m sure, I have a couple of memories burned into me from those little one’s I’ve carried in my womb–the positive pregnancy tests, the first kick, the ultrasound, watching my husband weep over his newborn son–these are the experiences of those that have witnessed the miracle of life.
And life is a miracle, whether it is wanted or not–in fact wanting has nothing to do with the goodness of life.
Nothing at all.
Life is good, all on its own.
It occurred to me a while ago that everyone is pro-their own life.
No one wants to die.
And no one of sound mind wishes their mother had terminated their life while still in her womb.
No one wishes that they had been ‘unwanted’.
When given the choice, we choose life for ourselves, every time. We choose to be wanted.
Being pro-life means choosing love over want.
It means looking beyond what I want, what my life desires are.
Being pro-life means protecting those that can’t make their own choice as we can.
Pro-life means refusing to divide this world into the 2 classes of ‘wanted’ and ‘unwanted’.
It means teaching my children that they are loved, not wanted, and hoping that they take that message out into the world.
Because my children are going to change this world. And so are yours.
I just discovered your blog about 7 minutes ago, but this post made me love you! Thank you for writing this!
So glad you found me and that we agree on what’s important! Blessings!
With all due respect, I think much of this post makes little sense. The fact is that want and lack of it exists in this world. I think what you are describing is free will and the individual right and ability to exercise it. Are you going to raise all of those babies that you speak of? Are you going to make them feel loved and cherished? Are you going to keep them from the pain and harm of life, and teach them the difference between love and want? Are you going to protect them from the mom, dad, uncle, neighbor, or stranger who will abuse many of them? I work in a setting in which I see first hand, every single day, children who were unwanted. And every single day many of those children are hurt in ways that you simply can’t imagine. What shall we do with all of those sweet souls who know that they are unwanted AND unloved? Want is a fact of life. It’s unfortunate and often sad, but true. I think by denying that lesson to your children, you choose to shelter them. Tell them how wanted they are. Tell them how important it is to be kind, and loving, and wanting of others (in appropriate and safe ways). Show them what it is to be compassionate to classmates and friends who are unwanted. Show them how to love unconditionally. Do them the favor of teaching them to want respectfully and gratefully. They will carry these lessons forever.
Charlotte–thanks so much for taking the time to comment.
I agree with everything you are saying here at the end–but I think the things you are talking about are actually LOVE, not want. Of course I WANT my children, they are fun and sweet and I love being with them, but my feelings for them are so much more than want. They are so much more than WANTED. I love them and would do anything for them, even if it means laying down my own life. And that is what all children deserve. You are right to point out that many (way way too many) children in this world are not wanted–let alone unloved by their parents. And in each and every case that this happens is a horrible tragedy. Believe me–I’ve seen it. for much of my life per-marriage I worked in a very rough neighborhood with teen-girls caught in the worst of the worst situations. I saw lots of girls choose abortion. I saw lots of girls have babies in terrifying situations. Over and over again I saw that when those girls decided to have an abortion they suffered with the pain of that decision for years.
I am not deluded to think I can solve or even address the seriousness of these situations in one little blog post.
What I am writing about here is about the way we think–that wanting and loving are the same thing. They aren’t. Choosing love is sometimes having to accept things lovingly that you don’t really want. This is a lesson I want my kids to learn, not only as they have their own families but as they face any challenge in their lives.
Again, thanks for taking the time to comment. We both want the same thing–every child cherished. I hope that this has made my point a little bit more clear.
Charlotte, a quick Google search produced this: “Business Library reports that “there are up to 36 couples waiting for every one baby placed for adoption.” In the USA, there are approximately two million infertile couples waiting to adopt, many times regardless of the child’s medical problems such as Down Syndrome, Spina Bifida, HIV infection or terminally ill.” May 15, 2012
My husband and I are one of those couples who would love to adopt. We have been foster parents in the past, but lost our license when we moved out of state. We’ll probably be foster parents again some day.
The point is, whether or not Nancy is going to raise and love all those “unwanted” children, there are more than enough couples ready, willing, and wanting to do so in the US alone.
Thank you for this reminder, Clara! Wow, when you look at the stats all of the bull just falls away, doesn’t it?
Prayers for you and your husband. I hope children are in your future, somehow. Those of you that do foster work are the real heroes. Seriously. Thank you.
My gosh girl, your writing is amazing. I think you might have a future catholic speaker circuit in your future. What a mind and gift you have for writing. I tear up when I read your stuff. Your writing reminds me of that of Abby Johnson’s minus the fact that she worked for PPH and you didn’t. You have been blessed by God.
God bless you.
Wow. I was so nervous about posting this. thank you for writing this. I crying!
It’s such a tricky topic, one even us very pro-lifers are still a little nervous about. Your words here are such a gift for me. Thank you.
Well again I say, you did a great job. Enjoy your weekend.
God bless,
Vickie