To the Mom Who’s Feeling Burnout
Lately, I’m been pondering how exactly one recharges as a mom.
When our tanks are empty, how are they filled?
When we have reached the end of our rope with the kids and the house and ourselves, how do we find the peace and strength to grab hold and try again?
I’ve been pondering for myself mostly.
You see, since January 4th, besides a few long showers, I haven’t spent any amount of time away from my three little ones.
As in none.
Yeah, feels totally crazy to me too.
This sustained and uninterrupted stint of motherhood is unusual.
We moved, I was living in a different state than my husband for nearly a month, he started a new job, the kids were uncertain and unsettled with all that was happening, and then once we finally got into our house and were all together there were so many things to do, put away, buy, and people to meet that I just never got away.
And I still have yet to.
I am so glad to be in my home and with my husband, but the mom-burnout is real.
Maybe you’re here with me.
I can clearly see that I am getting burntout, but even nearly 5 years into motherhood I still struggle in a very real way with mom-burnout.
First, I feel guilty about getting burntout.
Yes, guilty. And guilt leads to shame and ignoring and not dealing with the problem.
I continue to believe that being able to stay home with my kids is the ultimate privilege.
How mothers everywhere get up every morning, pull kids out of beds, dress them, fed them and drop them off at daycare and then head to the office looking clean and professional is totally beyond me.
It’s a banner day around here if I make it in and out of the shower and have the time to dab on some makeup by 10 o’clock.
Most days it’s yoga pants and greasy hair for this girl.
I love being home with the kids.
I love walking to the park and having them help me make lunch and doing puzzles in the basement while we wait for dad to get home from work.
It would kill me not to be here for all of this, and perhaps that is why I feel guilty that I get burnt out.
I know this is silly and even the most beautiful things in life we can’t do day after day are on repeat.
I get that logically, but I can’t help but continue to beat myself up over it.
How can I get tired of these sweet (whiny, rude, wild) and wonderful kids? What is the matter with me?
Mom guilt, after all, knows no bounds.
Next, I don’t really know how to cure the burnout.
My husband is really good about giving me time away from the kids and the house when he is around and able to…
And when I actually get over the guilt and ask for it.
But even when I have the time away I struggle to know what to do with it.
Shopping offers no therapy for me whatsoever.
It might actually make my mood worse.
Perhaps it is the fault of the tight-wad Belgian man that raised me, but I hate spending money.
I hate it!
On top of this, I feel overstimulated and overwhelmed in malls and instantly want to lay down or leave.
Plus, I have vowed to cut down on the amount of STUFF in my house–and looking at stuff with no intention to buy gives me little to no joy.
So shopping is out.
But, then where do I go?
A couple of times I’ve brought my computer to a coffee shop and sat down to write a blog post or create a pattern.
And this is nice.
Nice to sit and work and accomplish things.
I love accomplishing things, after all.
Nice to sit and actually drink warm coffee and not fear that at any moment a toddler will run up and slam on my keyboard or send my coffee flying.
Yes, it’s nice, but I’m not sure I leave feeling recharged, at least not recharged as a mother.
I leave feeling accomplished, which is a step in the right direction, but not the cure-all I had hoped for.
Perhaps the cure is time with other adults.
The cure is time with other moms.
Perhaps the cure is just time.
Time away, time to miss the kids and long for the messes and mayhem and mischief.
To forget my little hang-ups and see them for what they are–silly annoyances that I need to get over.
Time to rethink the fly-by-the-seat decisions I make with the kids every day.
To calm down and remember how good they are and how good we are together.
Because we really are good together.
As moms, we do need to take care of ourselves.
Mom burnout is real and it’s nothing to feel guilty about.
And, I am writing these words as a reminder to myself as much as a message to anyone else.
All the best,
Nancy
I don’t like shopping either. I find that freedom a good time to do as many errands as I can without being slowed down by little ones and a chance to go to Holy Eucharistic Adoration without any interruptions.
yes. Adoration can be so healing. I just experienced that on Saturday.
Chiming in with all the other comments that your post was extremely helpful. Definitely with you on feeling the same guilt, and not quite knowing how to cure the burnout, but seeing that perhaps it’s “simply” time that we need. I had to go to urgent care (aka germs-central) a few days ago and didn’t want to bring my two year old and eight month old with me. So out of necessity, I got that alone time. Perhaps God’s own way of making it happen somehow?
Keep up the great work with your blog!
I only really feel recharged when the children are gone from the house and I get to stay home. Stay in my p.j.s. Eat whatever I want. Not go anywhere, lounge around, read a book all day. Going OUT while they all stay home is not recharging for me, it is actually more work. All 6 of my kids out of the house at the same time for a day or even half a day? Almost impossible. But necessary. So, I take it in snippets. A couple hours here and there, perhaps even just a room, a closed door that no one can enter. Buts till, I don’t have to leave the house. It helps.
And when we get back together there are many shouts of “mommy!” And excited faces to see me again. It’s good. 🙂
Love it. I need to try this “stay home” thing–not quite sure how to work it! But you are right. The excitement from the kids when they see you again is so amazing!
Figuring out we need something is definitely the first step. I have been stuck at this step for a while now. I work full time and commute an hour each way to work, so wanting to spend more time away from my young daughter seems crazy. I just can’t figure out what charges me up or gives me energy.
One of my struggles is that I think about everything one day at a time, I have to have quality time with the family every day, but if I looked at the long game, i can see the value of taking time to recharge. I realize having less, but more meaningful and less burnout quality time over the course of a week may be better for everyone. Thanks for writing so honestly.
Amy, you are really in a unique situation, and reading this helps me understand my husband a little bit better. I always think that his drive/work time is in a way a “break” that I don’t get from the monotony of the kids. But it’s not. It’s work/drive time.
Take a break. recharge. I always think time with my kids when I am engaged and happy is better than full days of time when I am cranky and distracted.
I really appreciate your honesty and commend you for knowing yourself well enough to know what won’t help you recharge! I second the idea of a retreat. Even Jesus took time away to be alone, so I try not to feel badly when I, a weak and fragile human, need to pause too. I’m not that familiar with your blog (although I’ll definitely be back! ), but there’s really something to be said for sitting quietly in a church or out in nature. In a daily routine, I can’t find that kind of time, but I do have a flexible routine with my kids where they have “quiet time”, when they used to have naps, and they read or play Legos in their rooms, and I take ten minutes or so the pray and drink a cup of tea. A priest friend of mine calls it “making time to chit chat with God” and it has helped me enormously. I just ramble and ask for help or sit quietly, but it gives me a little boost. I’ll be praying for you! God bless you and your family!
I love this idea, and the fact that you set aside just 10 minutes. I am just to the point where my kids are dropping naps, so I am getting used to not having my afternoons entirely to myself (yup, they were good nappers and I was pretty spoiled). When quiet time only lasts 30 minutes I get mad and cranky. But to think of it in a smaller way and make chatting with God a priority…yes, that is what I need.
Great post. This is where I am too. This week I have been trying to figure out how to snap out of it. I feel like I am going through the motions without really enjoying much. I feel guilty about it too. I have a wonderful husband, 4 healthy kids, a nice house…what is my problem? I am hoping when winter is over my mood will pick up some. And my husband and I just planned a night where the kids will sleep at his parents house. I can’t remember the last time we had a weekend to ourselves!
Well, I think that night with your hubby will go a long way to helping! When I get down I just try and shake things up for my little family–and unexpected daytrip, activity. I’ve realized my kids get in a rut just like I do and shaking it up helps.
Prayer, momma!
Oh my goodness…I needed this so much. Thank you! I’ve been feeling so burnt out with my three toddlers lately and with that burn out, the guilt. Oh the guilt. It’s lifts my spirits so much to read that I’m not alone. And now I need to get some time because really, that is the cure. 🙂
It is actually such a gift to hear that I’m not the only one that struggles with the guilt. And I hope you get some time real soon!
Hi Nancy! I am new to your blog but I just wanted to let you know that I love all of your posts on motherhood. I really feel ya on this stuff sister! I am a new mom with a baby yet I am experiencing these emotions too, especially the mom guilt! I didn’t recognize it until recently and now I see that I am feeling this all the time. Thank you for this reflection and for helping me see that mom guilt is a real thing! We moms still need to take care of ourselves and rest and recharge and not feel guilty about it, and the struggle is real. You will be in my prayers as with all the other mommies out there!
Thank you, Andrea! The guilt is the worst with the little babies–and for me with my first. I just felt like I should never get tired of being with the baby, of being nursed on…like I was a bad mom if I did get sick of it. But who wouldn’t get sick of it when you are asked to do it day and night? I keep hoping I leave the mom guilt behind at some point, and if I ever figure out how to do that, I will shout it from the rooftops!
Wow! Just how I feel right now. I’m leaving on retreat tomorrow night and can’t wait. But I also feel guilty for leaving my kiddos! My youngest is 18 months an I’m pregnant with #8! Haven’t gone on retreat since my youngest was born, so I know I’m due for one! I’m like you, I don’t know what to do with mommy time – I think time away from them will do it. Can’t shop either, I get overwhelmed and can’t afford it anyway ?
Thanks for posting this! It totally hit home for me!
Wow, a retreat. Sounds dreamy. I hope you have a wonderful time and that you return recharged and ready for live with all 8 kids! I’d love to know what type of retreat you are going on. Silent? Women’s?