Why We Announce Our Pregnancies Right Away
Every time we get pregnant my husband and I say to each other, “Maybe this time we should wait to tell people”.
And then we blab to the very first person we see.
Every time, including this recent pregnancy that we miscarried.
It was no fun having to tell all of our friends and family about the loss–just one week after we had announced the pregnancy at my son’s birthday party.
It was awful.
After the loss a good friend of mine, assuming I was still pregnant, offered me a non-alcoholic drink at a dinner party, to which I had to meekly reply, “Well, I’m not pregnant anymore.”
It was terrible.
Miscarriage is rough and it is particularly rough having to deal with breaking the news to everyone, rehashing the details, and mourning the loss again and again.
After this experience, I understand why lots of couples wait to announce a pregnancy.
I understand it, but I disagree with it. Despite this painful experience my husband and I will continue to announce our pregnancies (assuming there are more) immediately.
And here’s why:
1. We are Utterly Incapable of Keeping a Secret
Well, the first reason why we blab is that we are blabbers.
I mean, I’m a blabber. my husband’s not so bad.
We blab about everything.
My husband and I are always saying to each other, “Well, I wasn’t going to tell you this right away, but…”
We don’t keep (even silly) secrets from each other and we are incapable of keeping the big news under wraps.
This is just how I was raised.
My parents told us everything, maybe even a few things we would rather not have known.
Along with this, I am just no good at sneaking around, making up stories, or putting on an act, even if it is for a good reason.
Even during those very brief moments when we have TRIED to keep something a secret we are found out immediately.
Maybe you aren’t quite as hopeless at keeping a secret as we are.
But even if we could keep a secret, we still would announce our pregnancies right away.
2. Every Life Deserves to be Celebrated
The big reason why we announce our pregnancies right away is that we truly believe that every life, no matter how brief, deserves to be celebrated.
We want to announce each new life in our family and we want JOY to be the response.
Want our loved ones to have the opportunity to glory in the miracle of new life with us.
Also, we want to high-five and hug and tear up as we marvel at our abundant blessings.
Parenthood has not numbed me to the miracle of new life. Quite the opposite.
It was painful to lose a baby to miscarriage and I dreaded informing our family and friends.
I am so grateful, however, that this baby was welcomed into our lives, and the lives of our families, with joy first.
3. We Need the Support
As I’ve already shared, I wasn’t thrilled when I found out I was pregnant with this latest pregnancy.
For the first 24 hours, before we told anyone, I was stuck in this really strange place.
I was mad and happy and not really sure I believed it.
I felt deeply sorry for myself–was I just going to have baby after baby forever?
It started to feel like as long as I could avoid announcing the pregnancy I could avoid dealing with it.
And then we announced it.
And the response we got was so joyful and supportive.
To be surrounded by all of that joy made me realize the joy I actually, truly felt about this pregnancy.
Being pregnant, even if it was a little too soon, really was wonderful.
Some of my friends shared about surprise pregnancies they’d had.
My sisters were counting the months and figuring out maternity clothes sharing and the kids started to talk about the little sibling they had on the way.
Suddenly we were part of a community that knew about our baby, loved our baby, and was ready to support us in any way we might need.
Suddenly the baby was real.
I’m not trying to convince anyone that they should or shouldn’t tell at a certain time.
You and your spouse can decide that.
I just wanted to share that, even after a miscarriage, there are reasons to announce a pregnancy immediately.
And they are good reasons.
The reason that will continue to convict us in our decision to tell right away.
All the best and thanks for being here,
I understand telling people right away – it’s JOYFULL news! What I don’t understand is why your little girl doesn’t have a Steelers shirt, too! 🙂
Ha! You and my husband both!
Not everyone gets much support after a miscarriage (or even a pregnancy announcement – especially if it’s a pregnancy after four losses, then people just roll their eyes and wonder why you are even bothering to try again). I didn’t have much support during my pregnancies after loss and had even less support after my miscarriages and it just felt like salt in the wound that other people knew and didn’t do anything to support us. We have wonderful family and friends in general, but they’ve really failed us in this department (even when they’ve asked and I’ve told them exactly what we need to feel supported) and I will never again announce a pregnancy early. We planned to wait to announce my current pregnancy, but when I started bleeding early on, we decided to tell some people to ask for prayers. And after the initial round of “Praying for you” responses (there wasn’t even a since “Congratulations!”), no one ever checked up to see if I stopped bleeding or how the pregnancy was or offer support knowing I was a wreck after 4 miscarriages in a row. I would have much rather dealt with that just myself and my husband than know that other people knew and didn’t care.
I also don’t think a pregnancy has to be announced to be “celebrated”. Obviously, not everyone even gets celebration or joy in response to their news. My husband and I were the only ones who celebrated our baby before I was out of the first trimester, even though other people knew. I think they all just assumed I’d miscarry again and didn’t see my pregnancy or the baby as a cause for excitement until we knew he/she was viable. We still haven’t gotten much positive support. And anyway, so many babies are miscarried before anyone (their parents even) knew they existed – I believe they are still greatly celebrated in heaven even if we don’t acknowledge them here. I found about the existence of our fourth child after I had already miscarried him/her and if I were to stick stringently to believing that every life should be celebrated, that fact would bring me great sadness because there was never time to celebrate that life. After four miscarriages, my views on a lot of this are much different than they were after the first.
Anyway, just thought I would mention my experiences because I’ve noticed that there is a very strong current in the Catholic blogosphere (and real life catholic circles too) that seem to suggest that we should all do certain things/feel certain ways regarding pregnancy and loss or we are not being truly pro-life or some such nonsense. I don’t think you’re doing that here, but some women may misinterepret it as not being Catholic enough or pro-life enough if they dont’ want to share right away.
Mandi–thank you so much for taking the time to share this. What you wrote that has really gotten me thinking is that a pregnancy doesn’t have to be announced to be celebrated. That is so true and I am really going to take that to heart and think about it. I am going to think about how I am privately celebrating and honoring the children both here, lost and on the way.
Gonna take some time to process that….
Your losses are just so brutal. I am sad to hear that you aren’t getting the support you need. As a kid I watched my mom loose 6 babies–several of which were stillbirths. Countless people, in an attempt to “comfort” her, just told her to move and and forget about it. To focus on the children she did have. But, even 30 years later, she is still morning those babies and people are still struggling to know what to do with that.
I am still processing my own miscarriage and I have faith that when (hopefully) I get pregnant again I will be able to carry that baby to term. I just have to believe that–and so do you. We have to have faith, but I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you and your husband, to endure loss after loss and I completely understand why you don’t announce right away.
Again, than you for sharing this. you gave me a lot to think about and please know that you are in my prayers.
I have to admit that I’m a little jealous of couples who do tell everyone right away. I wish that we could be like that. But we have always been private, and thankfully it’s totally ok to be that way. We told all our close family and friends at 6 weeks the first time I was pregnant. We’d had some troubles and we knew that miscarriage was possible, but especially because it was our first, we never thought it would really happen. Then it did. And calling my close friends and telling them my baby died was so. hard. And with my second pregnancy, I was sooo excited I wanted to tell people right away – but if I had I would have been calling them back 20 hours later letting them know that it was already over. And with my third we told some family at 5 weeks, and then found out at 6 weeks that we were losing this baby too. And I have to say, it was so much easier to tell the rest of my family and my close friends in my own time. I don’t keep it a secret – I tell all my friends and anyone else who happens to ask that I have had three miscarriages. But I didn’t feel like I needed to call them right away because I couldn’t bear the thought of someone thinking for weeks that I was still pregnant when that tiny little soul was already gone from this world. So, God willing, the next time I have that joyful news, I know we will keep it quiet for a long time, even from family, to give ourselves some time to get used to either another loss or one we finally get to keep. And when we do tell people, I know it’s not a guarantee that that baby will be healthy or even that he will be born alive. But I will feel much better sharing the news with confidence and knowing that this one has grown so much bigger than his siblings, and he might be the first one we get to hold.
Stephanie–your situation is so tough! I can’t imagine what you and your husband have been through and I pray that VERY soon you have a beautiful baby in your arms. It is easy for people like me that have only had a small taste of loss to write things like this, but actually a little insensitive. I totally get you not wanting to tell right away, totally. Prayers for you and your hubby–and the little ones that are surely on the way.
I wholeheartedly agree! I lost my son when I was 20 weeks pregnant. Two years later I was ecstatic to be pregnant again. My boss told me not to tell anyone for a few more months just in case. I was already 3 months at the time. When I lost my daughter at 22 weeks, it was horrible to return to work a month later just to hear people say did you enjoy your vacation? Most Co workers didn’t know I was pregnant in the first place and my boss didn’t tell them I lost a baby because it was a “procedure” and was protected by HIPPA laws. Really? Talk about not celebrating every life! It is also devastating to go through loss by yourself. Thank you for sharing.
Wow–you have really been through it. I am so sorry to hear about your loss, but joyful that you celebrate each of their lives. God Bless!
You took the words right out of my mouth! We’ve never miscarried, but we have a hard time conceiving (and keeping secrets) so when we know, the world knows.
I think that celebrating a baby (and grieving the loss of a miscarriage) is a beautiful testimony to the value of each life.
I also think that having a community when you grieve is imperative – my best friend has lost two little ones and her biggest fear is that they will be forgotten by others. Because she shared her pregnancy news, I can help to take away one part of her grief by always remembering those two souls – in prayer, on their feast days, and just by mentioning them in conversation (not flippantly, but by sharing things like how I consider them my daughter’s intercessors.)
Thank you Tara! This is so beautiful! And I love that this will keep those little ones from being forgotten. Each life is so valuable.
I love this. I know that my husband and I talked about what we wanted to do when we were pregnant with our first. We ended up not being able to wait. But our reasoning was very similar to what you write about. I love how real you have been these last couple of posts. I really resonate with things you said in both.
It’s so nice to know that the things I share, even though a little gritty, are helpful. And honestly, although we felt this way with each pregnancy it just comes down to the fact that my husband and I get so excited that we CANNOT wait to tell!
Beautiful. I completely agree, on all accounts. Thank you for this beautiful witness.