On Motherhood and Jealousy
**Quick Note** My husband and I use this PRINTABLE AGENDA, which allows us to reconnect in a POWERFUL way. Get it here:
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More than anything else, one stupid false ideal poisons my happiness and joy as a mother:
Equality.
Well, equality is a nice name for it.
More specifically, jealousy.
As a product of this culture I seek equality at all costs–but not equality for others.
Equality for myself.
My life, my portion, my situation must be as good as everyone else’s.
That is only fair.
That is only equal.
This approach was fine (not virtuous) when I was single, but as a mother, it is dangerous, destructive, and toxic.
I know because it is something I struggle with every day.
Especially when I compare my life to my husband’s.
Motherhood is an all-demanding job.
Even things as simple as sleep habits, body shape, and career are gobbled up in the work of a mother.
No matter how I want to change it, fathers will never be asked to sacrifice in the way a mother is.
Never.
They will never endure pregnancy, scream through delivery, or struggle with breastfeeding.
As women and mothers, it is written in our very DNA to do these things–and for men, it simply is not.
It took me a long time to see that this pursuit of equality was deeply rooted in jealousy.
It just never occurred to me that I could be more jealous of my husband than anyone else on earth.
I am married to a wonderful (the best?) man–terrific husband and father.
I love him to the absolute core of my being.
But even so, it is hard to not feel bitter at the inequity of it all.
Why does he get to waltz out of the house with his hands in his pockets when I am constantly lugging around a 25-pound baby and 2 wild toddlers?
And why does he get to avoid stretch-marks and night-time feedings?
Why are there certain parts of parenthood I have to do by myself?
Often I try to find (false) peace in the idea that we were actually somehow equal after all–that in some cock-eyed, voodoo math equation the 7 diapers I changed, 13 tantrums I endured, and 2 times I scrubbed the floor that day were equal to his work stress, getting caught in traffic for 45 minutes and his computer crashing.
Well, they would be equal after he did the dishes.
I worked very hard to see (or create) the equality–and was convinced I would find it if I just moved some things around, carried the one, divided by 4, and got to go shopping by myself Saturday morning.
But this is all crap, even I know that.
No, actually it isn’t crap. It’s poison.
It’s poison because instead of loving my husband and rejoicing with him in his joy I’m calculating, always calculating.
He got that, and I was shorted, and that’s not fair, and poor me, and how are we going to make this equal?
This was made even worse by the fact that my husband is often sent on long (exotic) business trips.
Well, probably more exotic on the outside than in reality.
Just this month he spends over 2 weeks in Thailand.
While there he worked incredibly hard, but also enjoyed a beautiful weekend in the mountains, riding elephants, playing tourist, and getting a Thai massage.
While he was there doing all of that I was here, with 3 kids under 4, doing what I do every day.
I’m ashamed to admit it, but a part of me didn’t want to hear about the things he was doing, eating, seeing, riding, buying.
The deepest, darkest, most ugly part of me was jealous, so jealous I was unable to share in his joy.
When I was up in the middle of the night with a teething baby when I was wiping butt after butt after butt, when I was hauling the trash out to the curb while holding a baby, when I was sitting alone at night, night after night, because the kids were sleeping upstairs and I had to be there, alone…it felt so terribly unfair.
During those nights I’d sometimes sit and think up ways that we can even the score.
Maybe I could buy something, go somewhere…
What was happening was unfair and unequal!
But no matter how I added it up, no matter what I got when he returned I felt as if I’d always be shorted, denied, and dealt with unfairly.
I can see now what I trap it was–all that calculating and brooding.
It made me feel and think and act so ugly.
After much prayer and reflection, I am starting to see things a little bit differently. Starting to…
I am starting to see that striving for equality (whatever that is) between me and my husband is not only pointless, it’s killing me, it’s attacking our love and it’s turning me into something I am not.
Don’t want to keep score.
And I don’t want to be bitter.
I live rejoicing!
And I want my children to rise up and call me happy!
And what is more, my life is good, really.
My kids are beautiful.
I get to spend every day with them–and they make me laugh every single day.
We have a wonderful family, amazing friends.
We have been blessed beyond what we deserve and nothing my husband gets to do–even riding an elephant–can change that.
I don’t need to list all of the tiny miracles that happened while he was gone, all of the hugs my kids gave me, the sunny days, the time with cousins and friends, and giggles to make myself feel better about what I didn’t get to do.
Just because his experience was good does not make mine bad.
Just because his experience was good does not make mine bad.
Sorry to repeat me–but this mantra has changed my heart.
Just because his experience was good does not make mine bad.
My husband and I have been asked to play different roles in our family.
I stay home and along with that comes many challenges and joys and blessings and heartaches.
He goes to work and through that work travels the world.
And along with that comes different challenges and joys and blessings and heartaches.
I am secure in his love for me and our family and even though I still struggle with these creeping thoughts I am determined to rejoice with him as he rejoices with me because I do love him.
Did I miss the agenda referenced at the beginning of the post? Can’t see a link. Thanks for the post!
find it here: https://catholicsprouts.com/catholic-family-resource-library-signup/
Thank you
You perfectly describe me. I appreciate that you have pointed out the essential points. Whenever I tell people I am struggling in this area, I always get the response of “you need to take a trip too”. But you said it perfectly “he got that and I got shorted” that is not the attitude I want to have. I want to rejoice with him! I don’t want to be jealous when he tells me of the best steak dinner he ever had. Thank you so much for putting this into words for me. I will pray for you and please pray for me.
Comparison is the thief of joy indeed! I remember in pre-Cana the couple that was teaching us kept emphasizing “do not keep score” you did this, I did that, now is your turn etc or you’re going to put a big strain in your family. Now, that does not mean that you can’t have a talk with with your spouse if he’s sitting on the couch doing nothing and you’re doing everything. There has to be some fairness. But not in the exact same way, because motherhood and fatherhood are two very distinct vocations. You can not equate them to each other. You can work as a team and use the gifts and talents that God gave you to fulfill your parenting duties. Many times our gifts and talents are complimentary and not the same. Those thoughts that were placed in your head were from the enemy which was poisoning your mind. The bitterness probably came from exhaustion and no rest, day in and day out. You need help from others with the kids, maybe a friend or babysitter to take te kids for a couple of hours, maybe have a girlfriends bible study or go do something for yourself like walking, working out, sitting in adoration journaling etc. You need time for you. It’s not selfish. It’s necessary to your health and sanity. If you don’t get that time then you will build up anger and bitterness and lash out at your husband because you’re going with an “empty tank” You can’t give what you don’t have. You and your husband should sit down to talk about a way that you can also get an hour or two a week for yourself. It’s not selfish. It’s necessary. Good luck and God bless you!
beautiful advice, my friend. What you write here is TRUTH. Thank you for taking a minute to share this.
Thank you so much for sharing this Nancy. This is definitely something I needed to hear
We all need to hear this. Love you, friend!
I start to resent everyone and everything that calls on my husband’s time. He takes time he doesn’t have off if work to volunteer or visit someone in the hospital and then spends every spare minute the rest of the week making up his time at work instead of with his family. ?
Oh, I get that. I sometimes complain that it feels like I always come last. Have you tried to talk to your husband about these things? Sometimes men don’t see what we see. Prayers, sister.
I seem to be behind but I was supposed to read this today, not yesterday or tomorrow but today. Thank you for writing true feelings and sharing the parts of motherhood and wifehood? that are not very glamourous. I am so glad you did because today you changed the way I look at life. I appreciate you.
Honesty can be very powerful…and I am humbled by your words. Blessings, sweetie!
[…] On Motherhood and Jealousy […]
Bravo, girl!! 3 babies in less than 3 years is hard!!! Babies are hard anyway. But when the diapers are neverending, and the screaming, it can be overwhelming. Every platitude of “enjoy them while they’re young” or “this, too, shall pass” just made me want to punch the speaker in the nose. Once when I drove to the grocery store by myself I thought, “is that a cop behind me? Did I run that stop sign? Maybe I’ll just tell them to take me to jail. That way I’ll actually sleep. I can hand express. There’s milk at home, the baby won’t starve and I’ll sleep.”
Do you have some girlfriends to go out for a mom’s night out? Or a bunco group? Church group? If there’s something regularly on the schedule that is just for you, even if you have to take a nursing baby, I find it makes me more tolerant of all the “alone time” I think my husband has when he’s at work.
oh my goodness, that story about going to jail is hilarious, in a BEEN THERE sort of way.
Honestly I have tons of great support and outlets and my husband is great about encouraging me to get out I just struggle with that ugly inner voice. In reality life is very very good.
Oh my, yes! I have been there! The worst was the day my husband got to climb the Great Wall of China while I was at home with the worst food poisoning of my life and a 4 week-old and a toddler! I hate to say that I still give him a hard time about that one. 😉 But I know that comparison is such a thief. Thank you for being unafraid to name this. You inspire me to do better with this.
Comparison is such a thief! Perfectly said.
PS–my husband climbed the great wall just this last September, without me. In 5 years the 2 of us will go on a trip and do that!
Nancy this spoke loads to my heart. I am probably far worse with this as Paul does not have a lot in the way of luxury or excitement on his deployments. I still find myself jealous maybe even annoyed as I try to ready everyone for school as he sits back and watches the chaos on the end of skype from a quiet bunk. Or irritated when he talks about a two hour workout when I barely squeezed in a twenty min speed workout. Or innocently asks do you have anything going on today? Yes, yes, yes, there is always something to do or somewhere to go. I know in my heart he wants desperately to be home, and I would be miserable in his position away from my kids, and the monotany would do me in, but I suppose our human nature makes us long for what others have…even if it is just time.
Oh Krista, thank you for sharing this! I think it is just human nature, and being content. I can’t imagine how you military wives do it–not only is your hubby gone, but gone for a long time and sometimes in danger. I don’t know why our minds do this comparing thing. Prayers that Paul comes home safe and sound.
You are so very blessed, more blessed then so many other mothers that had to kiss there babies goodbye in the morning and watch them cry for you as you had to go to work, The next time you start to feel like that say these words, I rebuke you Satan in the name of Jesus as it is written. Because only Satan puts thoughts like that in our heads and only he will use family members to tear us apart. Your husband I am sure would rather stay home and not have to get up to a alarm clock, and have to wear suits and have to get on a plain, and have to deal with jet lag and customs and all the other non since he has to deal with, but that is how Satan works, he only lets us see one side, so stay strong , count your blessings, pray lots, love lots, and always, always think of Jesus first. GOD bless sweet girl.
Penny–you are so on the money! It is only Satan that would use our family members to tear us apart. Your advise is so wise. Thank you!